Why God Invented Alcohol

I might be crediting the wrong person with this controversial invention, but there are reasons why alcohol exists for our oftentimes gluttonous consumption. After a weekend of mayhem which resulted in a full day of "rest" on Sunday, I was left pondering and questioning (slash regretting) why I ever decided to drink that third beer or even go out in the first place. Here are my top five reasons as to why we like to party and consume adult beverages on a weekly basis, even when we know what's coming the day after:

1. You can handle the truth... after a couple shots. For some odd reason, we are always inclined to speak the truth once under the influence of the Captain or Jack (pick your poison). Sometimes it doesn't take much, sometimes it does. There are both good truths and bad secrets revealed once one has drank enough of the kool-aid, like when you can admit to someone openly that you like them (something for some reason is very hard to do sober), or accidentally reveal slightly stalkerish tendencies to a crush. You just turn that finger right around, we've all done it! Liquid confidence is a real thing and thank God for it!

2. Strangers become drinking buddies and friends can become closer. Of course, that usually includes a drunken hug in the middle of the bar in which you profess your love for each other and how happy you are to be friends. Which is usually always true, it just takes alcohol for us to openly admit and realize feelings. This also includes the next morning, when two friends sit (usually girls) and rehash the night, comparing and competing for the worst drunken night stories and behaviors in order to make each other feel better. That's true friendship.

3. There is a reason liquor sales are recession proof... it makes us feel better when we're wound tighter than a guitar string (alright, probably a bad analogy). All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. You all remember what happened in The Shining.

4. We are addicted to love/hate relationships. Alcohol helps start off the night right by helping induce smiles and laughter and lending the courage to belt out some off-key notes or unleash some smooth dance moves. However, by the end of the night it can also help you unleash some unattractive bodily fluids like tears and, well, puke.

5. We all need a scapegoat to excuse uncharacteristic and perhaps inappropriate behavior. Alcohol never fails to let one down in this category... if you can remember the behavior you need to excuse, that is.

BONUS: We have to learn from our mistakes somehow...

And that's why on the Eighth Day, God invented hops, so man could then later make beer (they just don't tell that story in school). The jury is still out as to why he lets some bars in Chicago stay open til 5 a.m., allowing an extra three hours for bad decision making and judgements. Here's to hoping next weekend is as forgettable as this one!