Order's Up!

The other night, my roommates and I ordered pizza from Ian's. A 16-inch, Smokey the Bandit, extra sauce. Delivery, please.

It got me thinking: what if we lived in a world in which we could order our men like we ordered our pizza?

Yes, hello, I would like a 72-inch (six foot) man, easy on the eyes, mature, able to make responsible and sound life decisions. Hey, I'd even get off my butt and go pick him up myself.

I guess these days, the closest thing to this kind of utopia would be online dating sites like eharmony. Except ordering a man up like a pizza doesn't require $60 a month or filling out an hour-long survey about your hopes, dreams and personal and religious beliefs. Now that I think about it, seems like those dating sites run more like a Rotisserie baseball league in which data is collected and the person with the best stats wins the dating game.

Fail. I tried it once before (on a cheap promotional trial) and it was definitely not for me. Online dating is worse than meeting someone in a bar--you are judged by your tiny thumbnail photo--and the date, if you finally get one after the eight rounds of back and forth email questionnaires, feels like a job interview.

I guess when it comes down to it, someone may look good on paper, but there's no replacing or making up for the personal connection that attracts two people to each other.

There goes my whole ordering men up like a pizza idea.

I guess customized orders are restricted solely to pizzas, subs and beer. The guy in this commercial had it right all along...

... I'll just stick to ordering Miller Lite at a bar in hopes of bumping into my soul mate.

All this talk about pizza has made me hungry. I'll take a 16-inch cheese please...