Baby Love and True Love

I have the most adorable nephew ever.  Life just always seems so much better whenever I am around him.  

This past weekend when I was home for a visit, poor little nephew was sick. But like the trooper he is, Baby D was in good spirits whenever the Motrin kicked in. On Sunday morning he was feeling a little better and woke up early. My sister didn't hear him, but I did, so I tiptoed into my old bedroom—his nursery—to hang out with him, excited to steal some Baby D and Auntie Kim alone time. I tickled his belly and made some funny faces until his whimpers turned into soft giggles. The best part was when I bent down to pick something off the ground, disappearing out of his sight, he started to cry. Once I stood up and was back in his sight, he looked at me and flashed me his infectious little (but big) baby smile. 

It melted my heart. I can still picture it in my head, and the memory never fails to bring a smile to my face. It made me so happy to think that maybe he really likes me, and that he loves me back, even though I only pop into his life once every six to eight weeks.

Although Baby D’s four months of existence has been short, he has made a huge impact on everyone’s lives—especially mine.  Thanks to him, I am now certain of one thing: I definitely want kids someday.  Having children of my own one day was always something I assumed I wanted and would eventually happen after I got married. But I was never 100 percent sure like I am now after hanging out with him. 

Although I'm sure I want kids, some days I'm not so sure I'll ever get married. I joked the other day that I was saving money for a sperm donor instead of for a wedding.  Of course there is a part of me that certainly hopes it doesn't come to that, but, hey, you never know. As I learned in college, the only way to fail is to fail to plan!  

I've come to terms with the fact that I might never meet Prince Charming—trust is a huge part of a relationship and I’m not sure I’ll ever find someone who is worth the sacrifice of handing over the little bit of faith and self-preservation that I have left. It’s not pathetic; it’s reality for those who know what I’m talking about. 

I’m a jaded, nearly 30-year-old woman with trust issues. My heart has been broken and betrayed so many times I don’t even know if it still looks like one anymore. Sometimes I envision it looking like a lump of play dough that’s been mutilated by a five-year-old—a traumatized clump of misshaped mass that might resemble one of those hearts Hallmark sells on Valentine's Day, imprinted with dozens of little finger marks from all the touching and squeezing and manipulating it's been through.

Please don’t confuse me for someone who is looking for sympathy or whining about being single and alone. I am miraculously OK with this (on most days). I take solace in what one of my Chicago friends--who is 34--told me during her wedding reception last December. She said she learned to accept that she might have to find happiness elsewhere in life rather than in a marriage she so badly wanted.  And she did.  And a few short months later, she met the man of her dreams and her future husband.  

  

Like my friend, I've gotten to a point in my life where I’d rather be in love with myself (in a non-egotistic sense) than put up with anyone else’s crap and waste my valuable time. Since giving myself permission to just be happy no matter what, I'm the happiest I've been maybe ever in my adult life. 

Happiness can be defined by many things—for some it’s a white wedding; for others it’s a night out with friends drinking too much wine, or completing a half marathon, or the look in the eyes of a baby when he smiles at you. That is an unconditional love I can get behind. The love between friends, the love I have for myself and the love I have for a tiny person.

My mom might cringe while reading this, but she has to know by now that marriage and men are not like they were when she found honest and lasting love with my dad nearly four decades ago. I want what they have someday but I’m not sure that exists anymore. I've kissed way too many frogs.

  

And while I might not ultimately find my Prince Charming, I will most certainly live happily ever after. Even if it's just enjoying the moments I get to have with my adorable nephew. But hopefully, one day, I'll have some with my own child.   

Thirty Life Crisis

It’s official … I’m having a Thirty Life Crisis. Although I’m still three months away from the Big 3-0, I’m beginning to recognize that I am entering a different, more adult stage of my life and need to start acting like and appreciating it.

It’s not that I drink and party like a 22-year-old or engage in irresponsible behavior, I just have been living like I’m stuck in my mid-twenties for a while and it’s time to graduate and move on. This phase involves scrimping and saving every penny, often forgoing guilty pleasures and splurges, a.k.a. treating myself right. Maybe it was the way I was raised—by fiscally-responsible and frugal parents— or perhaps I am still living like the poor grad student I was when I first moved here making nothing, and then a mere $10 an hour for more than a year.

However, even after I got my job last March, I continued to save and not treat myself to that pair of shoes or that shirt-- the only fun I allowed myself was spent on plane tickets home and the occasional night out on the weekends (when drinks are like nine bucks a pop, that’s a big night out for the bank account!). I guess it didn't help that I now had two degrees for which I had to repay the government, and that monthly number scared me a little.

But two weeks ago, I tore through my tiny closet and overflowing drawers and got rid of half of my clothes. Some of these things I had been wearing for more than five years. I also decided that anything I moved to Chicago with—when I was a tender 26-year-old—and was still wearing now needed to go. My fashionable roommates sat with me, rolling their eyes in disbelief at some of the stuff I had been holding on to. Some of my favorite comments included “that is way too young for you”, “that looks like something a mom would wear” (and not a cool mom), and “is that a shirt from Aero from 2006?!” (my roommate who is a manager at Aeropostale called me out and threw it out faster than I could explain why I had kept it and wore it as recently as September).

Since then, I’ve spent some money on more grown-up, yet fashionable clothes that a 30-year-old would wear. OK, so I got them for 60 percent off the sale price at LOFT, but it’s still a big step for me to buy a basic top for $14.



Something to rememebr and strive for.



I also decided that as part of my New Year’s Resolution I was going to start treating myself like the most important person in my life. This goes hand-in-hand with my Thirty Life Crisis, as I need to spend money on more grown-up things and act my age. For example, on Monday I got my hair trimmed and followed the “every six to eight weeks” rule for the first time ever (I was a more of every six to eight months kind of girl). And I quit my cheap ass gym and spent some extra money to join a really nice gym with more classes and fewer creeps.

These changes have already boosted my confidence more than I had expected they would. When my ex-boyfriend texted me that he missed me, I didn’t even feel the need to write back or give it a second thought. I love and respect myself more now than to do that. Something I would not have had done a couple months ago. Now whether or not these things are all connected, who knows. But I'm going with it.

I am looking forward to everything 2013 and the age of 30 will bring me. I just have to make sure I keep making the changes and acting my age. And embrace them as good changes and not a scary life crisis.

A New Year, a New Resolution

New Year’s resolutions are just like New Year’s Eve plans—there is so much pressure to do something great and make it count.  As I get older, I am happier each year to sit on my couch and eat homemade appetizers and shrimp while watching movies with my family like I did when I was five (but instead of juice boxes I drink wine). 

Last year was the first year I decided to give up the generic “lose weight” or “be a better person” wishes and made a practical resolution that was fun and trackable and fulfilling, both physically and emotionally. 

And it was the first and only New Year’s resolution I have ever kept: running 500 miles in 2012.  I reached 500.10 miles on December 11, 2012 and it felt great.  It didn’t really hit me what a cool accomplishment it was until the weeks after, when people told me how impressed they were and two people even made it their resolution for this year (including my roommate).  I finished 2012 with 506.66 miles under my belt, or I should say laces.

I want to do the same again for this year.  However, it’s now January 16^th and I am struggling to come up with the next great resolution. I feel a little empty—and unmotivated—without my Run-500-miles goal and my notebook I logged all of my workouts and runs in.  I want to do something similar but different for 2013. I’d push it up to 550 or 600, but consider it might be a cop out because I can’t think of something better.  I’m also a little concerned that I have been sick for a chunk of 2013 and unable to run at all this year. By this time last year, I had run a good 25 miles already.  Now that I am feeling better, it’s become a motivation factor, and I keep putting it off until I figure out what my next resolution will be.  I’m also afraid of failure or quitting because I'm bored--you know, been there done that kind of thing.

In other news, as a result of my running, I am now at a weight I haven’t seen in more than a decade.  It’s an amazing feeling.  And I didn’t get it by counting every calorie or writing down every piece of food I put in my mouth in a journal—those were too restricting for me and always backfired.  Instead, I focused on my goal of running and working out hard to fulfill my resolution and losing the weight (and continuing to eat right and experiment with home-cooking) was a happy consequence.

Although I am not sure what my new goal will be, I know I need one in order to stay motivated.  My resolution, whatever it may be, will also include blogging more often. Knowing that someone might be reading this holds me accountable for my actions and reporting progress.  

In the meantime, let me know if you have any ideas about what my resolution should be!   Happy 2013 everyone!

November 8-12... What I'm Thankful for This Week

Alright, time to update my Things I’m Thankful for in November list…

November 8- Today I am thankful for making new friends and BYOB sushi places two blocks from my apartment. And Advil to get me through the next day.

November 9- As much as I didn’t want to come to work today, I am thankful that I have a job to be annoyed with. I moved here with no job and lived off my savings and federal loans until I found an internship that paid $10 an hour. I’ve come a long way (at least my bank account has!) since then and I wouldn’t trade the financial lessons I learned during that time for anything. It definitely makes me appreciate my grown-up paycheck that much more.

November 10- Today I am thankful that I was able to go on a 4.6 mile run. Someday when I’m older and my knees are bad or whatever happens to my body, I won’t look back and say “I should have run more while I could” (well, I’m actively working on making sure this doesn’t happen). When I see people who struggle to walk or who are confined to a wheelchair, it makes me feel guilty for plopping my perfectly able legs on the couch after work. I wonder what they would do if they had my legs. Sometimes it’s enough to get me off the couch and to the gym.

November 11- Today I would be remiss if I did not remember how thankful I am—and how thankful we should all be— for people like my grandfathers and father who were/are brave enough to sacrifice their time and even lives for our country.

November 12- Thankful that I have awesome family and friends to come home to in just four days… some people are lucky if they can find one place to call home—I’m double-lucky that I have two places where I fit in, even though they’re separated by 1,000 miles. But only one has my adorable nephew and future New England Patriots tight end, Dominic! I can't wait to teach him all about football next Sunday when we're watching the game together!

Remembering What I'm Thankful For

Over the last week, I’ve been seeing people on Facebook posting about what they are thankful for. Guess it makes sense seeing it is November and the month of Thanksgiving. It appears that the rule is every day you are supposed to post something you are thankful for. I have felt very thankful lately due to recent events in our family and decided it might do me some good to remind myself about what I’m thankful for instead of focusing on the gloomy stuff going on right now in life.

So, I’m going to start posting what I’m thankful for (maybe not every day, maybe a couple times a week, but I will find 30 things for the 30 days). Starting now… on this blog because I hate people who over share on Facebook (which I might have been doing with all of the photos I’ve been sharing of my adorable new nephew!!).


Baby Dominic is happy to be at home.


November 1: I am thankful my sister is home from the hospital and on the mend. She is my best friend and I’m not sure what I would do without her in my life.

November 2: I am so thankful for my new nephew, Dominic John, who is healthy and happy. Can’t wait to meet you soon!

November 3: Thankful for electricity, heat and a roof over my head, and that my loved ones have the same. It’s sad how something like Superstorm Sandy has to come along in order for us to be reminded how much we take these things for granted.

November 4: I’m so thankful for my amazing father who turned 64 on this day. You’ve taught me so much, including how to stand up for myself when phone companies try to take advantage of me. And you know, all that other stuff like love, kindness, impatience and high cholesterol (kidding, love you dad!)

November 5: Thankful for awesome friends who call to check in and see how I’m doing. No matter how far away I am or how long it is in between visits, it’s like we’ve never been apart whenever we get together. I would not be the same, sane person I am without you girls.

November 6: Thankful that I live in a country where democracy is alive and well, and we’re allowed to vote for our own leaders. It’s never going to be perfect or great, but it’s nice to be reminded that we have the right to vote.

November 7: Thankful for a boss who understands how annoying and costly it is to travel home for the holidays, and one who is allowing me to work from home in Massachusetts for a couple days so I could buy the plane ticket that was $130 cheaper.

OK, now your turn. What are you thankful for? Even if you don’t post a comment about it, take a moment to think about what you appreciate in life and remember those things during the bad days.

My Night as a Vegan

As I get older, I find that the more people I meet the more unique experiences I have. Sometimes, they’re experiences I never thought I’d even consider. Like last week when my roommate—who is vegan—convinced me to go to her favorite vegan restaurant: The Chicago Diner.

The diner, whose slogan in “Meat free since ’83,” serves all vegan meals off a menu that resembles that of a regular (non-vegan) restaurant.

We started off with an appetizer of Buffalo wings with vegan ranch dressing. The “wings” looked like boneless spare ribs, but the spicy sauce made them taste very much like Buffalo wings you’d get anywhere else. Minus the taste of chicken… I’m not that easy to fool.

For my entrée, I ordered the Radical Reuben… with dairy cheese (they have dairy or vegan cheeze… cheese is where I draw the line especially when given the option and the other is spelled with a ‘z’). My sandwich, served on marble rye, was made of corned beef seitan, grilled onions, peppers, sauerkraut and vegan Thousand Island dressing. I have no idea what seitan is, but it kind of looked like those homemade Steak ‘Em strips my mom used to make when we were kids (except it looked like the slices of meat before they were cooked). The sandwich was delicious and there were so many flavors that I probably never would have known it was vegan if I was served it out of this context.

For dessert, we split a vegan milkshake. It was awesome. It tasted the exact same as a regular milkshake (or frappe as we call them in New England). And you know me, when it comes to dessert, I need the real thing.

I left way too full and satisfied, two feelings I never would have ever previously associated with eating vegan. While I enjoyed this experience, it didn’t convince me to abandon hamburgers. Eating vegan seems very difficult and I love food too much to give any of it up. But I was glad for this new experience--and for my roommate who showed me a different side of life. 

Running on Empty

I forgot how hard it is to train for a half marathon. Yesterday marked two months until the half marathon Erin and I are running in Newport, RI and I find myself questioning whether or not I can do this.

Two weeks ago I switched over to full training mode and started following a 12-week plan I found online. I tried to keep up with the nearly daily workouts, capped by a five-mile long run that weekend. Well, as has happened before, I wore myself out and ended up getting sick (the jury is still out as to whether it was allergies or an actual bug).

This happened last year when I started training as well. Last fall, I was much sicker and missed more than two weeks. This time I missed all week and a long run. It’s very discouraging to get psyched up and start rolling along only to be halted by illness or injury.

With two months to go, I’ve lost a precious week and will once again miss this weekend’s long run because I will be home for my sister's baby shower. I am going to try to squeeze my long run in during the week, but six miles is hard to “squeeze” in after working a full day (if you’re a runner, you know what I mean). Training for a half is a big enough hill to climb, but now I have to try to make up for lost time… all while being mindful of how hard I am pushing myself to make sure I don’t wear myself down to nothing again!

So, the million dollar question is, while training plans look great on paper, what happens when life gets in the way? I guess I’ll find out. If anyone has any tips, please feel free to let me know!

NYR Mileage Update:  206.3 miles to go until I reach my goal of running 500 miles in 2012!