Going Postal

Dear US Postal Service,

I moved nearly a month ago and haven’t been receiving any forwarded mail.  Neither has my new roommate. We think you might be holding it hostage.  In my attempt to investigate the issue, I have come to realize why people favor online bill pay, Kindles/iPads and FedEx over the USPS.  Here are ten reasons why I am not surprised you are bankrupt or close to it:  

1. I have been to and/or called five different USPS numbers and locations in order to track down where my mail might be.  Everyone points me to someone else.

2. Several of you keep telling me it takes at least three weeks to start getting forwarded mail. Well, it’s been three weeks. 

3. And why the hell does it take three weeks anyway? I moved not even two miles away!

4.  I had to pay $1 to change my address on your website. 

5. I’m still waiting for the Easter card my mom mailed me in 2010. You’re the reason she no longer sends me things in the mail because she’s afraid you’ll lose them.

6. The person who answered your customer service line yesterday sounded drunk or like he just woke up and was sitting on his couch eating donuts or playing video games. I’d at least expect the person who answers the USPS 1-800 number to sound like they’re not distracted by something else when I ask my questions.

7. When I tried to call my old post office – which closes at 5 p.m. probably on purpose so normal people can’t go in and ask questions – the phone was off the hook and giving me a busy signal at 4:51 p.m. yesterday.

8. The post office I ultimately needed to call is not even listed on your website.  I got the number from a friendly (gasp) USPS worker at a different USPS location.  

9.  I know I’m just one of many millions of people that receive mail every day, but my mail is important and I would appreciate a little compassion.

10.   All I really want is new issue of Runner’s World (it’s the Boston Marathon memorial issue). If you can deliver this to me before June 16 so I can read it on the plane to Lisbon, I will reconsider this list.

Benjamin Franklin would be so disappointed.  Maybe it’s time to enlist Miss Cleo’s help to find my mail.