Crossing My Fingers at the Crossroads

As I approach the two-year mark of living in Chicago, I am once again at a crossroads in my life.

My lease is up in 30 days and my future living situation is uncertain. I'm stuck in a never-ending internship, and while it pays, it barely covers the bills (although I am grateful for at least that). I have been hard at work looking for a permanent job but any solid leads have fizzled.

So what's a girl to do?

Perhaps my mom is right, and the fact that everything seems to be going wrong here is a sign I should listen to, or acknowledge, the nagging feeling inside of me begging me to move home. I've pondered this idea over the last few months, and after an amazing trip home, I'm more homesick than ever. Every time I think I'm getting past it, I am reminded of the life I could have on the East Coast. For example, I just sorted through my vacation photos and the pang of loneliness was overwhelming.

I feel like I'm at a standstill in my life here, and something has got to give. I feel like I am living the classic "chicken or the egg" argument: what comes first, a job or an apartment? What do I focus on first? Perhaps I need to decide where I want to be, what I want to do, and most importantly, WHO I want to be before I can do anything else. Simple, right?

In the wise words of my friend Erin, maybe it's time for another bold move. Everyone tells me to follow my gut, but I don't know what that is. Sometimes it's Chicago--like when I walk around my neighborhood on a beautiful day or enjoy dessert while sitting outside on a patio in Little Italy. Then sometimes it's Massachusetts--like when I talk with friends back home and think of how much more fun it would be to reconnect in person over brunch or coffee.

I've always been a planner and not having a plan right now is driving me crazy. Thank goodness I have the half marathon to distract me from stressing myself out over the reality of this situation. Sometimes a crossroads is needed in life. It forces you to make a decision that scares you because the comfortable, sure-thing option is no longer available.

When I peek down each road I could possibly take, I am both scared and excited. I can do whatever I want, live wherever I want. But sometimes having too many options is a bad thing, especially for a girl who takes at least 15 minutes to decide when I want to eat for dinner. I tend to over-think the ramifications of every decision I make and as a result have the hardest time making one. All I know is that there are positives and negatives to every situation, and I wish I knew what the right decision was... if there even is a right one. My biggest fear is choosing a path that takes me on a detour and in a backward direction.

I believe in signs--I just wish there was a road map, a bread crumb trail or even a rusty weather vane pointing me to the right path.